Monday, September 3, 2012

Word's can't describe

What do I feel?  I'm not ready to move forward because I'm still stuck in the past, on what used to be. What I wish I hadn't let go of but I have no choice, there's nothing I can do. I've tried, & it's just hopeless.  He's already given up & I don't want to face that fact. So I try to fill that emptiness with someone else, but It's just not that easy. I'm not over him; nor am I ready to move on. I keep wishing on something that's never going to happen. Things used to be perfect, until I don't even know what screwed it up. I still hate myself to this day for letting something so silly get in the way. Things are going to have to change, and slowly my feelings are going to have to do the same. I cant be stuck on someone who's already forgotten about me. It's only going to hurt worse in the end. And trying to fill that void with someone else is just wrong. In the end I'd be using them for my own good. I'd be trying to restore the past, what was, what used to be and that can't happen. I won't let that happen, I don't want to go back, i don't want to feel that way again. It was the best feeling ever, but do you really think I'd put myself in a situation like THAT again? I'm not going to give my heart away like that ever again. What I did was dumb, I fell too hard for someone who hadn't even felt the same. I was vulnerable. I wasn't thinking. Walking into a relationship like that was obviously going to have an end result like THIS. & by THIS I mean being left questioning where I went wrong, wishing I would've done more, wishing I hadn't said the things I did, and wishing I would've just LET GO. But I didn't. I can pretend all I want but I know inside I'm still hurting. I hate admitting it, it kills me. I just put aside all of my thoughts and go on through out the day, but of course that doesn't work. Every time I'm all alone all that's left to think about is HIM. I can't fully describe in words what I feel, I'm not sure what to feel. Do I feel happy; happy that now he can find someone better? Or sad; sad that he is going to find someone better and there's no doubt about it. Or do I continue to hate myself for letting things get the way they are now. When really I couldn't prevent things from getting this way or even bandage the damage. That's my problem. I cant accept rejection, simply because It gives me the worst feeling ever. Being rejected isn't a new "thing" for me. Although I'm used to it, I never said I enjoyed it. Nobody does. It's humiliating, depressing, disappointing. I can't trust anyone, nor can I get close to anyone  because I'm too afraid of being rejected, again. You think with me being rejected since birth I'd know better. But with HIM I let my guard down because I thought I could TRUST that this time, things WOULD be different. But I set myself up for failure, yet again. Clever me. All I want is to be loved for who I am, not for who I was nor for who I am to become. I want a present, not a past or future. I'm in THIS moment and I'm not letting myself go back, that's just setting myself up for more failure and pain. & I'm not going to think ahead and give my hopes up. I'm going to stay where I am and live in the moment, and make sure I'll have a future. I need to figure out what I'm feeling now, and not imagine what I'll feel later on. So the answer to the question Is simply this: I feel like I let not just myself but HIM down too, I feel like I'm not ready to let go, I feel lost & confused. I don't know where to go from here, but I'll just have to find out where life takes me. There's much more to this than just a Guy, it's simply just the bumpy road of LIFE, and they'll be many more roads ahead. & plenty more broken hearts & regrets. That's just how it's going to be. You can't help who you fall for, just don't be like me and fall then not be able to get back up and move on. I've already made that mistake & sadly I cant undo it, but I can learn from it and never do it again. My mind's set with determination that one day I'll understand why things are the way they are, and I will. Slowly but surely.